Beep beep….boop!

I logged in to type this post and for about a minute straight, I was looking at three big bouncing dots, with the caption: Beep beep boop, meant to inform me that the page is loading. And as I was starting to curse the slowness of my internet connection, it occurred to me that that was my current state in life. I am stuck in between where I want to move from to where I want to be. Things are just not shifting.

You know that moment in your life when everything is just dragging its legs toward you. I want to jump to the next step but somehow, just unable to. I got a good verbal whipping, or as one called it; bitching, from two dear friends and I realised then that; 1. They had a point and 2. Its my fault.

I always come up with these ideas that are great, but somehow just never come around to execute any of them. I talked about a new laptop with one and a pair of shoes with the other. A good number of weeks later, I had forgotten mentioning the laptop, brought it up again and I tried getting the money I had saved with one to buy the shoes back. They each lashed at me. Both pointed out to me that I take things for granted too much. Of course, I refused to accept that and they each took time to explain why they think so. I heard them, loud and clear. So to properly digest what they had shared, I took time to look back on a few things, especially this past year. And here is what my past self showed me.

Many of us identify with motivational speakers, right? I have listened to them, shared their messages, and even made great friends with some. They really like me and regularly call to check on me and my answer is always the same. Make them believe all is well. But it isn’t. we have read great books, tried to practice what they preach and even revised them again and again. But some how we always sink back to the bottom. I have had many great opportunities to make money, offered to me actually, but I just never step up to the occasion. The opportunities keep coming and passing, and all the while I respond the same way. Reluctant! I talk to many and they are moved to take action, but I am taking none myself. My cousin said to me yesterday, “Dearie, you always organise outings and make it happen, with or without money and you always always and always have utmost fun. why don’t you do the same with these great project ideas you have?” She had had it with me sharing fantastic ideas, doing nothing about them and going to her with my endless stories of unhappiness. I am glad they spoke up. I now know where to begin.

Whereas many have suggested so many great opportunities for you, I have learned that if it does not come from you, it will never see life or last long. The excitement will be there, but it may not last. Do not take everything you read or said to you as is. You are supposed to look at that quote/book/short test/etc and rearrange it according to your own interests. We often want to be like somebody and we end up unhappy, simply because we did not consider our own interests while executing. Everyone wants their opinions to shape your life, but you are you and you have your own mind to decide what you want to be. I have lived in the shadows for so long, could not make a decision on my own and still fear what people will think if I took a given decision. So today I asked myself this question; Who cares? Because while I was caring not to offend or disappoint them, they were actually being offended and disappointed by my lack of a sense of individuality. I have been so dependent in many ways. It has affected me at work, at home and every other aspect of my life. So many have talked about this issue, in so many different styles and languages, but it has to come from within for significant changes to take effect.

I want to be that woman society looks up to, a role model for young people, a challenge to leaders and a trend setter. I want to be that friend people keep close, the one referred to in various conversations and a solution creator. I want to be someone’s woman, his confidant, best friend, mother to his children and one he is honored to have beside him. I wanna be successful, and globally recognised but none of these will happen if I do not appreciate myself and what I have right now, and above all, if I do not take action.

May this flame never burn out. Let’s soar!



Author: marihitta9

Writer, reader, mentor, learner and my own biggest fan.

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