Listening to the only total Country radio station in Uganda, 92.7 BOB FM the other day, and a love song came on in which the singer was apologizing to a woman he loves but had previously cheated on. And he says to her, somewhere in the second verse of the song that; I quote,
“…she(the other woman) meant nothing to me….”.
For some reason that line stayed with me. It’s actually haunted me and the implication of that phrase is weighing heavily on my heart. I thought of the one who broke my heart and wondered if he told the one he left me for that I meant nothing, if at all she knows about me anyway. I thought of what it really means for a man to say to me that another woman, one he actually lay with and enjoyed it, meant nothing to him. She is a woman, and could have given of herself so lovingly, only to be seen as nothing. I wondered to whom else I meant nothing. And how many women out there mean nothing to any given man.
My mind is racing back and forth over this and it has honestly made me question all the relationships I presently have with the male species. From a brother, to a distant relative, to friends and acquaintances. To all who have told me I am beautiful, those who have kissed me or merely intended to have something with me, but somehow never followed through, was it because I meant nothing?
How many other women out there have been hurt because they meant nothing to someone they truly cared for?
On what basis does a man decide that a woman means nothing? And vice versa.
I know there are men out there who have had their hearts broken too by a woman who didn’t really give serious thought to their confession of love. I can think of a few in my past life, some I thought were joking, one thought I would let him leave a woman he had just had a child with just because he feels he loves me. No! I could have been that woman, you know, so I never allowed it. But seriously, any sane woman should never allow herself to come between another couple. No matter what he says or does. We all meet that someone, the attraction is unmistakable but they are taken, and nevertheless, you get tempted and lust gets the better of you. The best you can do for yourself is to walk away and stay away from such a man or woman. Run, run, run.
Relationships are diverse and can be complicated but this is only as far as we let them go. I have learned that we could be straight forward, communicate well with the other person, say what we really feel and all works out well, or we can let fear and high expectations take the wheel and drive our relationships to whatever destination they choose, if they don’t completely make you miss out because you’re afraid to reach out to the other person or totally miscommunicate your intention and lose them.
We have all had a bumpy relationship with someone, be it a family member or a friend or a significant other. The choice is really ours, whether we realize it or not. I have heard people shift blame in regard to this. Some say it is the role of the woman to make a relationship work, which makes me wonder what the man’s role is. If the woman is to make it work, why then shouldn’t she call all the shots? You know, the man takes her name, she gives the orders and he obeys, etc. After all, she lately also has to fend for the household. In a family setting, the younger one is expected to bow to the elder one and they almost always have no say and that is expected to be a fun arrangement that will inspire love and friendship? I don’t think so.
All that said, I do not believe anyone can mean nothing at all. The mere fact that you were attracted to them in anyway makes them something. Therefore, while someone gets your attention, it is okay to tell them but you ought to be very clear about your intentions. A misguided attraction can be dangerous. And if you should relate with the other person, especially for a significant other, do it right. Like a house, build the relationship from the foundation, and along the way, apply the strongest materials to keep it grounded and make it long lasting.
Many times we start relationships for the wrong reasons. I have had men approach me to have children for them and I wondered if I cannot have children, what happens to me then? They leave me for another? Others have wanted me to be their wife to cook and wash and clean, what if I have poor health and cannot do the chores, do I become nothing?
The reason why you choose to relate with someone is important. I have seen stories on the big screen and read some in books, even heard many successful people and life coaches emphasize that a strong WHY is the only fuel for anything to work. Your WHY has to be strong enough to keep you going even when everything seems hopeless.
I am not certified or experienced enough to comment further on this subject and I have only come this far writing because I must reach one thousand words, but the heaviness triggered by the lyrics of that song is one I have personally decided to correct, at least for myself.
I am in this moment reviewing all the relationships I have, especially with the male species and feel so determined to right what feels out of place. To make my intentions clear. And to love unconditionally those I cannot get rid off , like family. And for the friends I will choose to keep, it will be for the right reasons, the WHY has to be clear and they should know about it too. And should they not agree, I will be flexible to re-negotiate the terms without compromising my values and belief system.
With family and my lady friends, the WHY has to be clear as well. And unconditional love will be what I offer, because I want it for myself. I know what it feels like to find yourself standing alone yet there are so many people in your life. But because you are misunderstood and misjudged, reduced to feel like nothing, you dare not reach out. I once read about how to love more by caring less, and the concept defined in that article applies for me. I will put it to use for the sake of loving my people unconditionally.
God forbid the day I will call someone, anyone, NOTHING.